Los Angeles. It's more than a city. It is a way of life. If you've ever lived here, I have a feeling that you know what I meant. Within the last few months, so many aspects of my daily life have been upended, I've had to adapt to an atmosphere that is alien in nature to me. I've had experiences within this short period of time that have completely changed the way that I see myself, as well as the way that I relate to other human beings on this planet. I've seen atrocity firsthand. I've felt a miracle. I've discovered that I have more willpower than I have ever been forced to exercise. And it is exercise, believe me.
Some days, I can admit that I wake up and have absolutely no vision of where I'm supposed to be going with my life path. Everything feels clouded. I get stuck within my habitual thought pattern of "PANIC! WORRY! DISASTER IS IMMINENT!" and as someone whose opinion I value above all others puts it- I just can't see the forest through the trees.
It can be the most challenging obstacle in the universe just to get up and get out of bed. But doing it, facing those delusions head-on and choosing to overcome them, if only long enough to get through 1 single day- that's strength.
I have to acknowledge my own strength at times, because otherwise I forget to exert it. We are all powerful beings. Our thoughts have the ability to shape entire worlds. The trick is shutting your ego off for long enough to realize it.
Anyway, this is really all meant to say that I finally know that I can do this. It's taken me up until basically this very moment of admission to see that I'm capable of anything. 8 months ago, I was sitting on my porch at night dreaming of conquering my fear once and for all and leaping into The Great Unknown. I couldn't have ever pictured the scenarios that I've encountered. The things I've learned about myself. I truly feel like a changed person.
I think this city tends to have that effect on people.
It's a rite of passage, and good preparation for future scenarios. I went from the frying pan into the fire, and I am still alive. That's worth celebrating.
With great risk comes great reward, or so I've been told. I used to think of that in terms of money or business terms, but now I think I have a spiritual understanding of the concept. I risked my sanity and any sense of comfort I had ever really known to come here. Day by day, the reward comes to me in small doses. Each day that I don't run back home or drive myself completely mad is a reward. Each time that I look around and see just how beautiful and exciting it can be to have so much to see with every step is a reward. The feeling of accomplishment that I have from even getting to this point is a welcome relief.
And, if nothing else- this will all make for one hell of a story some day.
